Goodness

In the process of purchasing a new phone, I updated my favorites and realized that nearly half of the folks in this list are people that I did not even know about a year ago. Many of these new additions derive from the community of friends that I have found in my new church home (The Paradox Church) and from swing dancing. I think back to the time in the fall of 2010 when I began shopping around for a different church and the fear and uncertainty that accompanied this process. I had amazing community at my previous church, but felt God leading me to a place where I could not hide my junk and remain complacent in my faith.

At the church Christmas party this weekend, I looked around at all of the faces that I met only a year ago and those that I’ve met more recently. I found myself in awe of the way that God has used these individuals to bring about change and reveal His goodness in my life. People that were once strangers to me are now family. Yet, I doubt God’s goodness.

Afterward, I went swing dancing in Dallas with some friends. Driving out to Dallas to dance with my friends has been one of the best things that has happened in the last year. Long chats about what we are learning in our city groups and in life, coupled with the bizarre swing dancing culture has blessed me immensely. Still, I question God’s goodness.

I feel like much of my life is spent in doubt that God intends good for me. Even when I recognize God’s provision in my life, I spend far too much time dwelling on the things I think I deserve, but am not receiving. I interpret any sort of withholding or obstacle that interferes with my plans as God’s way of saying “You’re screwing up, Allison, so I’m punishing you.” So, I find myself, as I always did growing up, living a life based on my works. Do good = earn good.

This simply isn’t the way that God operates. God does not operate according to our ideal time, in our ideal way, or inline with our worldly perception of goodness, but He does work according to His time, in His ideal way, and within His perception of goodness- in order that He might be glorified. He demonstrates his goodness in the grace he showed us through Christ’s death on the cross. Salvation is not earned and I cannot live in a way that earns God’s approval. His withholding is not His way of condemning my disobedience, but rather working for my good and His glory -“And we know that for those who love god all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

There are times when I want to scream, “How can this possibly be for my good?!” Then, with tears streaming down my face, I reflect on the past, hear stories of redemption, feel God molding me into the likeness of Christ, and realize God is very, very good.